Bad Cop
One of my characters is a police officer .. A "bad ass dirty Cop " for some reason I feel I could relate better to a homeless person. Or a drug addict .. Or even one of the leads ..but a bad ass I am not ! With my frame and my personality I have never intimidated anyone in my life ! I guess that's why it's called ACTING! So I try to stand a little taller and channel the bad ass inside.. Can't find it.. Let me try again... Meaner?? You want me to be meaner?? Now I am sending people out in the cold to die on the street?!? Can I please be a homeless person!? Actually can I just sing? Someone looks at me and says " Be Angry!" I am not an angry person.. I don't like hurting or even pretending like I'm hurting people!
So I am asked to dive down deep.. ( this is my inner self my inner dialog) I'm 37 years old and I still don't know when I am going to start feeling GOOD ENOUGH.. I doubt myself every day and beat myself up.. I could always BE BETTER.. I could LEARN MORE..DO more.. Spend more time with my kids ..make more money.. Get more in shape.. Look better... Be a better friend.. Actually there isn't much that I think I am very good at... Get my finances in order...I ACT every day to hide all my insecurities ..
Then it hit me .. I beat myself up everyday , I intimidate myself on a daily bases . But that's ok right? because I'm not hurting anyone else by emotionally beating up myself!
My inspiration it hit me tonight at the end of seasons of love.. I am my own enemy.. I need to fight that! When I am evicting everyone out of their homes I am telling myself to get the CRAP out of my life! Each one of you are something I do not like about myself, and I am evicting it OUT! And when you try to make a NEW home in MY life! I am going to brake your make shift tents and kick your shelter down.. Because you can't pay enough rent worth living in my life! I want all the STRESS, SELF DOUBT, INSECURITIES OUT! Time for me to stand up and take charge of the bully that lives inside!
The bonus is on the outside it will come off hopefully as a Dirty Bad Ass Cop but on the inside maybe I can channel an inner battle and one day win!
So much for my first blog about doing a musical and de stressing my life as it's 12:30 am and I am blogging about this experience. But can I just say.. It is so worth it! What a RIDE! Just when I think I have come down one hill there is another one to climb... I thought I was JUST in the chorus...I thought that was the easy role.. I was wrong!
So much truth in that Deb. I think that is why I always end up crying at some point during rehearsal. The truth starts seeping out. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean. Being your own worst enemy. It's never a fun role to be trapped in. Then pretending..."acting"....acting as if everything is all and well...acting as if the whispers inside your head aren't there...acting....life in general is one big play set on the Stage of the World, and we're all in the cast. Our character changes from day to day, our costume...we change and adapt to every situation, with every person we meet we slide into another form of ourselves...though not the true form...never the true form...because the true form is vulnerable--that inner child we keep locked away in the dark for "protection"....what I've wondered is...when you shield your heart...do we keep it from harm...or keep it from the things it really needs under the pretense that if we keep it locked away, we won't get hurt....when in the end you just make your own prison; watching the world pass you by from the inside out.
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