Sue

Those of us in "the support group" were enlightenèd that we can use someone else's name who is effected or has died from aids.  I couldn't get that out of my mind all through practice, in fact I kept forgetting to say my name , my one and only spoken line in the whole production "sue" because my brain was spinning ..( sometimes I am processing in my head so much during this whole production I tend to lose focus I gotta work on that ) I kept thinking " who do I know that has been effected ??" I couldn't think of anyone! Later that night someone came to my mind.

This story has " Many Layers" first of all you need to know that I live in Chrisman IL. I moved here from Warren Ohio when I was 12 (So that would have been the year 1988 ). I had a huge culture shock moving to this small town of 1,500 people .. First of all 99.9% of the people at that time (percentage may have dropped some today not much) were white . Where I came from there was only myself and my neighbor friend Sherrie who were white children on that block. I was used to being the minority in my neighborhood , I loved Ohio ,my family still lives there all three of my brothers all my aunts and uncles.  When I moved to Chrisman I was not excepted because I talked different , I dressed different ..that 6th grade year was Hell! I had girls follow me home every day from school and make fun of me , and yell at me , and remind me how different I was from their community. I had one girl in particular remind me everyday that is wasn't Halloween. Just because I was different .

One of the memories I have is a story about a hairdresser that lived in our town ( hits home in a way because I now own a salon in this town) he was an openly gay man who had a business  in this narrow minded , extremely predgudice town! How BRAVE was he? I remember the kids talking about how he would wear dresses. I remember them laughing and making fun of him. Even still to this day once in a while someone will bring up his name in the salon.  I hear things like " he was gay.. But he was a great hairdresser" as if the two have anything to do with each other, why someone's sexuality has to be discussed all the time I  will never understand. When I die will people say " she was heterosexual , and she owned a salon in town, plus she loved the theater " ?? Anyway ...this man who haunts my salon once in a while ( by stories of the people in town) died. There were always rumors of him having AIDs. I tried to call around town and get information on him. But everyone just knew the rumor no one really knew the man well enough to know if he ACTUALLY died from AIDs . One of my friends who is a nurse said she thought it might have been from congestive heart failure .

The question isn't did he die from AIDs .. He was labeled as having it, because he was a gay man living in a sheltered town full of mis advised and ignorant people. He was effected by AIDs because of the stigma of the disease , and his story is important. I have also been told he was a kind man, he was friendly, and talented. I will honor him by using his name in my performance.  Even though I didn't know him personally , I think it would be nice for him to be honored in a different way for the people in the town of Chrisman.

I connect with him, because I too was rejected for a time in this town, I am afraid in some ways I have confirmed to be accepted . However I do not believe that was an option for him.. Nor should it have had to been.  I do believe we are all connected in some way.

                                                              CARL

Bad Cop

                                             Bad Cop

One of my characters is a police officer .. A "bad ass dirty Cop " for some reason I feel I could relate better to a homeless person. Or a drug addict .. Or even one of the leads ..but a bad ass I am not ! With my frame and my personality I have never intimidated anyone in my life ! I guess that's why it's called ACTING! So I try to stand a little taller and channel the bad ass inside.. Can't find it.. Let me try again... Meaner?? You want me to be meaner?? Now I am sending people out in the cold to die on the street?!? Can I please be a homeless person!? Actually can I just sing? Someone looks at me and says " Be Angry!" I am not an angry person.. I don't like hurting or even pretending like I'm hurting people! 

  

 So I am asked to dive down deep..       ( this is my inner self my inner dialog) I'm 37 years old and I still don't know when I am going to start feeling GOOD ENOUGH.. I doubt myself every day and beat myself up.. I could always BE BETTER.. I could LEARN MORE..DO more.. Spend more time with my kids ..make more money.. Get more in shape.. Look better... Be a better friend.. Actually there isn't much that I think I am very good at... Get my finances in order...I ACT every day to hide all my insecurities ..  

Then it hit me .. I beat myself up everyday , I intimidate myself on a daily bases . But that's ok right?  because I'm not hurting anyone else by emotionally beating up myself!

 My inspiration it hit me tonight at the end of seasons of love.. I am my own enemy.. I need to fight that! When I am evicting everyone out of their homes I am telling myself to get the CRAP out of my life! Each one of you are something I do not like about myself, and I am evicting it OUT! And when you try to make a NEW home in MY life! I am going to brake your make shift tents and kick your shelter down.. Because you can't pay enough rent worth living in my life! I want all the STRESS, SELF DOUBT, INSECURITIES OUT! Time for me to stand up and take charge of the bully that lives inside!

 The bonus is on the outside it will come off hopefully as a Dirty Bad Ass Cop but on the inside maybe I can channel an inner battle and one day win! 

So much for my first blog about doing a musical and de stressing my life as it's 12:30 am and I am blogging  about this experience. But can I just say.. It is so worth it! What a RIDE! Just when I think I have come down one hill there is another one to climb... I thought I was JUST in the chorus...I thought that was the easy role.. I was wrong! 

A Letter To My Fellow Renters

                                    Dear Renters

Happy New Year!! Yes I know it's not January first , yes I know it's 99 outside and September,  but, this is where my story begins! So I don't believe in New Years resolutions but this year I made one. For some odd reason I decided I was going to sing more and stress less. I came to the conclusion that I was going to be in more musicals or at least audition for a few this year! Every other year I had talked myself out of it. I can't take the time away from my boys.. Or I'm to busy .. This was my excuse . 

I have not been IN a musical sense I was 16 years old.( Although i have worked behind scenes with hair and makeup , and vocals, at our High School musicals in my town ) I was going to audition for RENT ! Then I wasn't going to.. I had only told 2 people I was thinking about auditioning , so when I had decided once again I was to busy to be in a musical!!...I got a text from Cole AKA Squeegee Man " are you going to audition this weekend?" That was it ! I had convinced myself that was a sign from God Almighty! I was going to do it! 

I thought the audition process was so much FUN! Call me crazy but I had a blast I met great people and hoped we all would get parts !  For me the community started that Saturday , there I met Matt , Trudy, and Nancy ! At one point I was talking so much I didn't even hear the instructions for the next process to where Susie looked at me and said with her sweet smile " you need to pay attention girls" I knew I liked her right away, even though I didn't know she would be a big part of the process! I walked away thinking " THAT WAS A BLAST!!!!"  LOL how hungry was I for theater that I was so thrilled to just audition??!!

First day of rehearsal I heard the possibility of some unique ideas with our Director!He  didn't disappoint! I love the idea of Method acting so this spoke to me immediately!   He made us work together to create our stage , and the people I didn't know yet I quickly got to know. Nothing creates a community like sweat , hard work, and BEER! Am I right?!

I felt like the first few weeks I was going to group therapy , which works for my character "Sue" because she is in the life support group. I cried through my first read through .. And then cried again when I shared with the group after. You all need to know something about me Nothing moves me like music and lyrics, I will cry again....and again ...( as I tear up just writing this)   I'm emotional , it is so sad I have deprived myself of this for so long. 

It is now Music time, and my heart soars! I couldn't stop smiling as I listened to the cast sing! What talent! I LISTEN ..watch..tear up...BREATH...and think.. I've found myself again.. I was lost there for a while. Life truly is a journey! I'm glad I get to RENT this part of it with all of you! Looking forward to more music tonight ! Sorry for the length of my blog I had a lot to cover , and I didn't really even cover the half of it.


Blessings,
Deborah Jean Hale